Like a Ninja
by SaccharineGray
Summary: "Is that..." "I think it might be. Look at the hair." "But—but—he's wearing…a…an…" "Yeah. Hmph, Jonin… they're all off the deep end." Utter, delicious crack, nudity, bribery, and the color pink. Vague SasuSaku.


**Warnings: Crack. Nudity. Implied SasuSaku. Bribery. Language. Kakashi being an ass. And pink.**

**Inspired by the awesome Red Lips 'nd Cloudy Eyes :3 It's not quite what you requested, but it IS punishment and it follows the general gist :D**

**EDIT: Fixed the italics. Darn you, cursed website.**

**

* * *

**

"_Is that…"_

"_Wha—oh, holy crap."_

"_Do you think it's a genjutsu?"_

"_Hey, that looks just like—"_

"_Oh god, I didn't need to see that."_

"_Is that Uchiha Sasuke?"_

"_I think it might be. Look at the hair."_

"_But—but—he's wearing…a…an…"_

"_Yeah. I know."_

Sasuke hunched his shoulders and continued walking through the village, thoroughly ignoring any of the villagers' comments and sending a glare of doom at anybody who dared address him directly. He marched through the street with muscles entirely tensed and teeth gritted, giving him a somewhat constipated look.

"_Why is he going to _her_ house?"_

"_I don't even want to know. Let's get out of here."_

"_Yeah. Hmph, Jonin… they're all off the deep end."_

Sasuke reached the steps and knocked quickly on the door, three times. The door opened, and thank the gods, it was Sakura and NOT her mother asking what in the world a man was doing at her house in nothing but… in a…

"_He does have a nice ass, though."_

"Sasuke-kun, what are you—"

Sasuke ducked past Sakura into her house, shutting the door behind them. Sakura blinked at him, then continued her question.

"Why are you wearing a pink, frilly apron?"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Sasuke was sitting at Sakura's kitchen table while Sakura busied herself making some tea and attempting to muffle giggles. Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. Out of all the people to ask for help from, Sakura was probably the best, but she was making this much harder than it had to be.

"Let me get this straight," Sakura said finally once she'd calmed herself and the water was on the stove for boiling. "You tried to sneak into Kakashi's house, despite the fact that he warned us even when we were genin never to attempt to do so, and _told _us the consequences would be extremely humiliating, and you set off a trap that repressed your chakra so you can't run, jump, or sneak and leaves you in nothing but an apron and prevents you from putting anything else on or taking it off? And you couldn't figure out a way to dispel it?" she turned around to Sasuke's stony face.

There was silence.

Sasuke gave a jerky nod. "That's about it."

Sakura started laughing again.

A vein pulsed in Sasuke's temple.

When she settled down again, Sakura, still smiling, shook her head. "Alright. I'll see what I can do. But, ah."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"I need you to, uh, stand up. And I need to, uh, see your back." She blushed. "I promise I won't look anywhere I don't need to, it's just that, well, you said you set off the trap with your back first so the jutsu will be centered there."

Sasuke didn't budge.

"Also, my parents will be home in twenty minutes and I don't want to explain to them why I have a half-naked guy in the kitchen."

He shot up like an arrow and stood rigid.

Sakura sighed, and placed her hands on his shoulder blades. Sasuke jerked. "Sorry," Sakura said, knowing that he didn't like contact, especially not skin-to-skin. But it couldn't be helped.

Then there was a creak as the front door opened and the voices of Mr. and Mrs. Haruno echoed through the house.

In a second, Sasuke was unceremoniously stuffed into a cupboard and Sakura was at the table reading a scroll and sipping tea.

In the dark and bent into a very uncomfortable position and STILL in a goddamn apron, Sasuke did his best not to make a sound and just listened.

Sakura pulled off a mildly but pleasantly surprised tone when she called, "Hi, Mom, Dad! You're home early!"

"Yes, the line was small at the market today," came a feminine voice that sounded like Sakura's but was somewhat deeper and gentler. Her mother's. "What have you been doing all day? You can't have been studying this whole time! I thought I told you to relax a bit!"

Sasuke cringed upon realizing that this caring, chastising tone was reminiscent of his own mother's.

Sakura laughed easily. "It's alright, Ma. This scroll is just some light reading. It's about a little boy who got himself into more than he could handle." Sasuke was not impressed at the not-so-subtle reference to his own plight.

"Like me when I married your mother," grumbled a deep, gruff voice. Her father's. It was nothing like Sasuke's father's—it was warm rather than cold, amused rather than apathetic.

There was a hearty laugh from the whole family and Sasuke's chest felt tight. But that could have been the fact that he was in a position such that one leg was pressed against his nose, the other twisted under his back and his hands pressed to the back of the cabinet.

Rustling noises followed in the brief silence, then Sakura scolded, "You didn't think to pick up tomatoes, Dad!" _Who could forget to pick up tomatoes?_ Sasuke wondered. _Those things are the food of the gods…_

"What? Yes I did! I expressly remember…" the voice trailed off, then sighed. "Oh well. I'll go back now then."

"Honey, you shouldn't strain your leg more!" the mother scolded her husband.

Mr. Haruno sighed. "You're right. That's too bad. I'll just go to our room and have a nap, then."

"I'll bring you some tea!" Sakura chirped. "Would you like jasmine, rose petal, or lemon?"

Sasuke could hear the smile in the old man's voice. "Rose petal. Always." Mrs. Haruno giggled.

Then there was the plodding of footsteps as Mr. Haruno presumably left. "I'll put away the groceries, mom, you can go and rest," Sakura added. Mrs. Haruno followed in her husband's footsteps.

The cupboard finally opened, and Sasuke winced at the light as Sakura pulled him out. He stretched his back and let out a grunt of pain. Sakura rolled her eyes and put a finger to her lips. Then she started motioning in sign language.

_They can hear us. But they won't return for a while. I'll finish looking at that jutsu, if you want._

Sasuke nodded and turned his back.

This time Sakura's hands were warmer and soothing as she worked out the kinks in his chakra system that the jutsu had caused. She tapped on his back, and Sasuke recognized Morse code:

_Loosen up. You're too tense._

With an effort, Sasuke relaxed his muscles and tried not to concentrate on Sakura's hands moving in circles around his back and fiddled around with the chakra in his back. He knew Sakura was an expert in chakra control and the chakra system, as well as a medic nin who came into contact with all sort of weird jutsu, so he'd assumed she could help. Also, going to the Hokage like this was not a level he would drop to. And Kakashi…like hell he would admit the stupid old man had outsmarted him for once.

Finally, Sasuke felt a figurative dam break, and Sakura seemed triumphant as the apron disappeared in a poof, ending the jutsu. Sasuke allowed himself a sigh of relief and turned around, intending to give Sakura a nod of thanks, when he realized that she quite noticeably wasn't looking at his face.

Oh. That's right. He was still naked.

Sasuke was fairly sure his flush traveled all the way down to the area Sakura was currently observing. Her eyes snapped up and she sheepishly gave a look of apology.

_Sorry, _she signed. _Let me get you some clothes. But that jutsu should be gone. _

Sasuke nodded and positioned himself behind a chair. It wasn't much of an improvement but it made him feel _slightly_ better.

Sakura crept out of the kitchen and disappeared for five minutes. Right when Sasuke was about to go follow her, nakedness or not, she reappeared with a pair of tight black shorts and a white T-shirt. _These are the most masculine things I have, _she signed, giving a shrug of helplessness.

_Thanks, _Sasuke replied as Sakura turned away. He almost laughed. It was okay to see him naked, but not to see him getting dressed? Fantastic. He consoled himself with the fact that she was a medic-nin; she probably had to deal with this sort of thing all the time giving men check ups. For some reason, he wasn't reassured.

When he was finally decent, he prepared to jump out Sakura's window since using the front door would make a noise. Besides, now that he could meld chakra he would easily sneak back. But Sakura stopped him and signed, _Want some tea? _She pointed to the kettle on the stove and grabbed an empty teacup.

_Sure, _Sasuke shrugged. It was the least he could do to accept her offer—she'd just saved him from much embarrassment. Okay, there was still humiliation involved, but it would have been infinitely worse if Naruto had found out, and nobody would believe those few villagers who had seen him. After all, Sasuke Uchiha in an apron? Perish the thought.

_What flavor? _Sakura asked.

Sasuke smirked, remembering the feel of her hands on his back. _Rose petal._

Seeing Sakura blush so deeply was definitely worth it.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, when Sasuke was creeping along a dark alley, he ran into the Inuzuka kid and his dog.

Kiba stared at him and sniffed.

"Those…are Sakura's clothes," he commented, eyes widening a fraction as he realized the implications. "Holy shit."

Sasuke couldn't deny it. "4000 yen if you forget about this and never. Tell. Anyone," he hissed.

"5000."

"5000 it is."

* * *

When he returned to his house, Kakashi was in his living room.

What. The. Fuck.

How had he gotten past the shower of shuriken, the motion-activated flamethrowers, and the clones stationed in various places?

Kakashi greeted him with that infuriating one-eyed grin.

Sasuke said nothing, dread festering in the pit of his stomach, hoping his expression spoke for itself.

Kakashi said, "You may want to change out of Sakura's clothes. People could get the wrong impression." With that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Sasuke furiously stomped to his closet and flung the door open.

He gaped.

His blue and black clothes were gone.

In their place…aprons.

Pink, frilly ones.

Forget Itachi. He was going to _slaughter _Kakashi.

* * *

**Ah...reviews would be nice? :D I'll go back and edit this thing when I'm not dead tired, maybe then it'll make sense XD**


End file.
